The Bully Who Makes Recess Your Worst Nightmare

There's this terrible menace called winter. It's much like a playground bully. All you want to do is go outside, play around, be goofy and have fun. And there's the bully. Staring you down. Lingering near the monkey bars just to make your life miserable. Prior to moving to Chicago, people had warned us about the cold temperatures that plague the midwest. "Hey, we’re from the state that brags about having The Greatest Snow on Earth. Trust me, we’ll be fine." We arrived on the 4th of July, 2012. As we drove into the city, the digital temperature display in the car read 104 degrees. I managed to soak both of my white tops right into a slimy-opaque-nasal-distressing mess. Cold was the last thing from my mind. Then winter arrived. And you know what? It wasn't bad. We walked everywhere and were just fine. I remember a few days where I shivered and thanked the great God in the heavens for my cashmere scarf, but it was never life threatening. Chicago winter: 0, Justin Lake: 1.

Winter passed, spring arrived and soon summer was in full swing again. With the passing seasons came a handful of very expensive parking tickets, moving homes, quitting school (I really “finished” school but quitting sounds so much more rebellious and free spirited), and the starting of an internship. In other words, no bully (unless you count the parking meter police). However, when November of 2013 rolled around, I learned a valuable lesson. The playground bully had merely been on vacation for the previous winter. Sabbatical over, the bully was here for the long haul this year.

So what do I mean? Let me explain. This year you have ice forming on the INSIDE of your windows and frostbite warnings showing up on your phone. You can't even go outside to let the dog take a leak without your mustache turning into a frozen doormat for your nose, dangling icicles tauntingly in front of your pursed lips. So when you see a man walk in from off the street into a warm building with his glasses iced over, it's not abnormal to consider this totally normal.

My wife has a coat she was gifted. It's big enough to cover her beautifully round 6 month pregnant belly. It's also big enough to blanket the state of Rhode Island when stretched open. The result is that a woman who is already self conscious about her body because she can't see her toes anymore and has touching thighs (gasp) now looks like a moving, breathing, stay puffed marshmallow. And yet, you know something? No one cares. No one but her, that is. That's because there is an unspoken rule here in this God forsaken tundra: stay warm and stay alive at whatever cost, even if it means leaving the house looking like a total bafoon. Under normal circumstances you would see another human being wearing a muskrat on his or her head and start cracking jokes to the person on the bus next to you (unless, of course, that person is the muskrat wearing rider). However, during January in Chicago, you applaud their exceptional resourcefulness. It’s not even uncommon or wrong to feel a sense of jealousy.

I'm telling you, things get weird when the temperature gets so cold that the local zoo is taking the polar bear indoors (true story). Heck, Katy Perry could be outside in a mini skirt giving out free kisses and I wouldn't budge from the warmth and comfort of my radiator heated villa. So next time you check the weather and the temperature reads a number above 0, do a little jig, a celebration dance, and know the bully’s away. And as they say, when the bully’s away, the kids will play.